My Self-Concept in the Making

There are a lot of areas in my self-concept that I would like to improve on. However, one area that I particularly would like to improve on is my stubbornness. I have made a ton of mistakes in my past and with each one, I am slowly learning from them. I need to learn and discipline myself that when somebody tries to give me an advice, I need to be able to think through it patiently and be able to make a decision that will affect me positively and not make rash decisions. An example would be when my dad tried to give me a decent advice before purchasing my very first vehicle and I refused to listen to him and bought it right away.

A guideline that I read on page 79 from the book, 2006 issue of the Everyday Encounters: An Introduction to Interpersonal Communication (3^rd Canadian Edition), is called “Making a firm commitment to change”. The book, Everyday Encounters: An Introduction to Interpersonal Communication (3^rd Canadian Edition|), states that changing self-concept is a difficult process for two reasons. The first reason is because the self is a process. It is this process that requires a continuous effort to change and be willing to invest in it. Secondly, the self makes it difficult to change because it resists change. Due to this two reasons, making a firm commitment is an essential part in changing my self-concept (Wood & Schweitzer, 2006, p.79-80).

I believe that if I use this guideline this will help me change my self-concept because this will help remind me that to make a change requires a lot of effort and commitment to do better. Over the years, I have been using this guideline not just to be less stubborn but also when it came to school work, be more outgoing or more productive. Before, I was young, naive and didn’t care about anything that people said to me. Even though I listened to my parents’ advice every now and then, I took most of their advices for granted and it all came back to me later in life with regret. Presently, I am a wife, a mother of 1 three year old son, a student and a part-time employee of a long term care facility. In my honest opinion, juggling all four is the most hardest thing ever. When I first got married, I had to learn to change everything from saying “These are mine” to “These are ours”. It was very hard at first, but then as days went by it slowly got better. I surrounded myself with married couples my age and I had to constantly remind myself that I was married and not single anymore. I also learned to listen to what my mom would tell me when it came to being a good wife. As painful as it was for me to just butt in and go against it, I literally had to learn to bite my tongue and just nod “yes” to both my mom and my mother-in-law’s advice when it came to being a wife. Also, I learned to patiently take their advice into consideration and decide on it rationally.

Becoming a mom was something I had to learn to become one as well. When I first had my son, for the first two weeks of his life, he would be sleeping so quietly on his crib that I would sometimes forget that I was already a mom. I wouldn’t notice it until he would start crying and then it would suddenly hit me that I just recently had a baby. As he slowly grew up, I had to learn to wake up early and also feed him breakfast, lunch and supper with snacks in between. At first, I just loved to sleep in and waking up early was very hard. Then my mom and my mother-in-law had to criticize me that I should take care of my son’s nutritional needs and put him as my number one priority. As hard as that was for me, I had to swallow my pride and take their criticism into consideration. I believe I am slowly getting better at it, although, I do get reminders here and there from both moms and then I would be back on track again.

On top of being a wife and mom, I also had to juggle in being a student and a nursing attendant. To study and be single was one thing but to study along with three other occupations are for me a crazy thing to do but I had to tell myself that I have no choice but I just have to do it. I have to tell myself that I have to go back to school because my family’s future depends on it and I have to go to work to help my husband off load debt payments and bring food to the plate. I had to constantly tell myself that “life is hard but what you reap is what you sowed”. Sometimes, when I feel I would go off track, I would reflect back at what my parents had to go through coming to Canada. I would then look at my current situation right now and ask myself, “Is this a life that I want for my family living paycheck to paycheck on miminum wage?” Sometimes, I would cry and think that it’s too hard for me to do all this, but then I would try to find the strength in me to keep pushing through. Sometimes, when my stubbornness just doesn’t want to go away and especially if I’m already feeling stressed out, I tend to just let it out but am really careful not to overdo it. An example of this would be living on a tight budget, but I really just want to buy something. So I would then go and buy something that I really love (ie: clothing) but condition my mind that I am only allowed to spend a certain spending limit (maximum of $50) for a favourite item just for myself every 3-4 months. Also, when things get too tough, I would call up one my closest friends to just vent and they would help remind me of my goal and sometimes, they would come over to my house to just watch a movie with me during my homework/chore breaks just to help me feel less stressed.

To make a firm commitment does take a lot of effort but as long as I learn to listen to positive advices and accept constructive criticism, I will be able to accomplish my goals. I just really need to learn to be open-minded and to learn to listen to what people say and not just hear it.

References

Haig, J., MacMillan, V., & Raikes, G. (2010). Cites & sources (Revised 3rd ed.). Toronto:  Nelson.

Wood, J., & Schweitzer, A. (2006). Everyday encounters: An introduction to interpersonal communication (3^rd Canadian ed.). Toronto: Thomson Nelson.

Particular Others vs. Generalized Others

Particular Others:

These are the perspectives that affect us first from birth. Also known as “Significant Others”, these are people that matter to us such as an individual’s parents (mother and father), siblings and caregivers. In some families, particular others include extended relatives such as grandparents, aunts and uncles who live in the same household as the infant (Wood & Schweitzer, 2006, p.65).

In this social perspective, my parents are one of the biggest influences of my self-concept. Both of my parents nurtured us with love and Filipino values but they were also very strict when it came to discipline. They were both consistent when it came to disciplining me and my younger brother. They were also strict when it came to education. Another particular other that had a big influence in my self-concept were my grandparents on both sides. Both sides of my grandparents highly valued education. I remember that my grandfather (on my mother’s side) would always tell me, back when I was only 4 years old, that the knowledge you learn through education is the most expensive thing that you could ever own. Being a curious four year old, I asked him, “Why? And he then replied, “Because out of all the riches you could ever have, anybody can steal anything from you except the knowledge you attained.” I didn’t really quite understood what he meant back then until now and every time I’m about to fall off course, I would always think back on what he told me before and it gives me the support to keep pushing on with my education.

Generalized Others:

This is a secondary perspective where society influences our self-concept of how we internalize the society we grow up in and as to how we share that perspective as a social community. With this perspective, an individual is endorsed by a collection of rules, roles and attitudes through the community. In the western culture; researchers have identified this perspective into four elements that are central to an individual’s personal identity (Wood & Schweitzer, 2006, p.67). The four elements are: Race and Ethnicity, Gender, Sexual Orientation, and Socioeconomic Status (Andersen & Collins, 1992; James, 1999; Wood, 1995b, 1996; Wood & Schweitzer, 2006, p.67).

The cultural background that I come from is Filipino and my sexual orientation is straight female. I was born and raised in Philippines until I was the age of 14. Exactly on my 14^th birthday was the day my family and I landed in Vancouver, Canada as our port of entry. We then flew to Calgary that same day and have been living here since. So basically, most of the things I learned growing up were based on Filipino culture and values up until I turned 14.

To be a female, I wasn’t allowed to go naked in front of people, especially when I was reaching puberty. Females are not allowed to ask a guy out nor allowed to be out late at night except if they are with close relatives such as their cousins, grandparents or parents. In olden days, arranged marriages were common and considered normal but now, it is very rare. Young adults are allowed to date with the permission from the female’s parents. I was raised to dress in a presentable manner. Premarital sex is considered a sin in most religions especially in Christianity. About 90% of Filipinos are Christian and 10% are a mix of other religions.

In regards to socioeconomic status, I would say that my parents are of above average status. My parents are both professional graduates and they are both working parents. My mom graduated with a magna cum laude in Business Management degree and my dad with an Engineering degree. Even though life was always a struggle in my country, they were able to provide me and my brother the basic needs and other important things in a practical way. For example, both my parents always managed to put us in a private school but never brought us up to love buying expensive brand name clothing nor spoiled us into getting what we wanted. My parents also managed to set aside for our college funds. They took us on family outings from time to time especially on summer and holiday breaks. Our home was custom designed by my dad and it was a very decent one. My parents brought us up with strict discipline and always practicality in mind. I never really knew how lucky I was back then compared to other kids growing up until now.

In Philippines, education is highly valued. The passing grade was a minimum of 75% in every class a student took. However, even with a minimum passing mark, it was already a big concern and was always frowned upon close relatives, most especially by parents. Even the teachers would also get worried as well because a low mark meant it reflected poorly on the way they teach. Students were always expected to excel well in school. To excel in an academically well-known school meant a better future and the higher the mark meant a highly qualified resume. I remember one time I got a 75% in my quarterly report card in one class and I can still vividly remember my mom very upset at me for getting such a low mark. My brother and I were always encouraged to maintain a minimum mark of 85% or higher. Anything lower and we would almost feel like the pressure was on us even more.

Coming to Canada was a big change and I had to re-establish many things. I had to make new friends, speak better English and I had to learn how to dress accordingly to the weather. I also learned to adapt my clothing style. When it came to school, I was so shocked that the passing mark here was 50%. At first, I refused to go below the 75% mark but after awhile, I realized that I was only stressing myself out for nothing and before I knew it, I learned to adapt to it. It wasn’t that easy though because I remember that the first few marks that I got in grade 10 that were below 75%, I literally embarrassingly cried. I also noticed that a lot of girls in my high school I went to asked the guys out that they liked the most. This is probably the only thing that I didn’t adapt fully because first of all, when it came to liking a guy, I would turn all red and hide away from them and if I really did wanted to go out with them, it took me a lot of mental brainwashing to tell myself that “I could do it”.  Also, I became to be quite a rebel back in high school and I felt like I was going through that stage where I wasn’t sure as to what I really wanted to do after high school. I felt so out of place and lost. By grade 11, I hung out with the wrong crowd (partying every night) for the first semester and had to work twice as hard getting my marks up in second semester. I then had to work even harder in grade 12 to make sure I graduated and thankfully, I did!

Our socioeconomic status was a big struggle as well especially for my parents. Everything was reversed and my parents had to start from scratch all over again plus an additional three kids to feed (Ages 14, 10 and a 5 year old recently diagnosed with Autism). However, they both still stood strong when it came to us going to school and having a career. This was one thing that they never hesitated on spending money on. They both worked hard and made a lot of sacrifices.  To them, owning a home seemed so far. It took us 5 years with long hard work from them to finally be able to buy a home built from scratch. I even remember purchasing our very first pre-owned mini-van that (I swear) was as old as I was that time and broke down two to three times during a very cold winter season.

Looking back at what my parents did and all the obstacles they had to overcome, I truly appreciate all the things they have done. I never understood the hardships that they had to go through until I got married and had a son of my own. I look up to my parents’ hard work and because of this, I would like to be able to achieve greater things in life through hard work and dedication just like what my parents did and even until now, they still work really hard for things that they want to achieve.

References

Haig, J., MacMillan, V., & Raikes, G. (2010). Cites & sources (Revised 3rd ed.). Toronto:  Nelson.

Wood, J., & Schweitzer, A. (2006). Everyday encounters: An introduction to interpersonal communication (3^rd Canadian ed.). Toronto: Thomson Nelson.

3 Adjectives about ME

3 Adjectives that describe how I feel about me

Driven, Stubborn and Optimistic

1. Driven:

I believe I’m driven because I don’t like to give up easy. I don’t let one or any obstacle bring me down and I will continually keep on trying until I reach my dreams and goals. An example of this would be my studies. I got pregnant in my late teens and got married very young. Back then, I was only a high school graduate and financially, it has been hard on me and my husband but I was never satisfied with just being a high school graduate. I wanted to aim high and achieve higher and this is why I am back in school now. I’ve come a long way and until now, even though I’ve taken breaks to clear my mind and yes, I have cried when I failed a course but quitting was never an option for me.

It’s not just because I’m in school that I would say I’m driven. I would also consider that when it comes to working, I am driven. When my manager would give me a task, I do my best to fulfill that task. My parents would always remind me that when it comes to a job, you have to have the proper work ethic and be reliable. Both my parents are working parents and always have been since the day they became professionals. I look up to my parents as my role models and because of them; they give me the drive to always aim high in life.

2. Stubborn:

As much as I have a driven personality in me, I do believe that I am also a stubborn person. A personality (which my dad would always tell me when I wouldn’t listen to him) that I inherited from my mom. I would then jokingly tell him with a smile, “Well! I’m half and half aren’t I?” and my dad would just not say anything. I remember back then when I was about five years old, I don’t like to be told sometimes and even if an advice was given to me, I still go through what I want to do whether it’s a good decision or a bad decision.

An example of this would be when I purchased my first car. Before I got my car, at that time, all I ever wanted was to have my own car to get me from point A to point B. However, I also did not want a very old car that looked like it was going to bring down anytime. I relied on my dad to help me find the right one. I found this car through a magazine ad coming home from work back in 2006. On the ad, it mentioned something about a clearance sale of pre-owned vehicles. I got totally excited because that car was on the ad and I wanted that style and type of vehicle. I didn’t really know anything about brand names and such or the mileage on vehicles if it was too high or just right. All I cared about was getting a car that I at least liked. We went to that dealership and checked it out. I was ecstatic. The kilometre was pretty high for a year old pre-owned vehicle and because of this my dad told me to wait a little longer for a vehicle that was a year old to come and had a lower mileage. I was impatient and seeing this, he even warned me that if I leased this car now, there’s no turning back and that I could be dealing with a lot of problems on this vehicle in the future. He also told me that these types of vehicles weren’t that reliable. Being a stubborn daughter, I ignored the warnings and I proceeded to leasing the vehicle. Now, I extremely regret what I did. I let my emotions of wanting to get a vehicle cloud my judgement and not listen to my dad. Now, I am just trying to get by until my lease for this vehicle ends. But I learned my lesson and I am never going to purchase from this dealership again.

3. Optimistic:

Aside from being both driven and stubborn, I also do believe that I am an optimistic person. I don’t like to think too much of the negative things. Instead, I like to focus on the positive things.

An example of this would be when I first found out I was pregnant. At first I was very scared as to what was going to happen but I eventually accepted it and even though I wasn’t too sure as to what was going to happen after I had my son 3 years back, I embraced it and took on the responsibility of being a young mom to my then new born son. I ultimately fell in love with him the day he was born and even though it was an unplanned pregnancy, I don’t regret giving birth to him. Another one would be for school. Some courses have been quite a challenge and some I failed them. But even though I failed some of those courses, I don’t focus on not being able to make it next time but instead, I focus more on learning from my mistakes and doing better next time.